英语幽默笑话大全

Good News And Bad News(英汉对照)

"There's good news and bad news," the divorce lawyer told his client.

"I could sure use some good news," sighed the client. "What's it?"

"Your wife isn't demanding that your future inheritances be included in the settlement."

"And the bad news?"

"After the divorce, she's marrying your father."

好消息和坏消息

“有好消息，也有坏消息，”离婚律师告诉他的当事人。

“我总能利用一些好消息吧，”当事人吧了口气说，“是什么好消息?”

“你妻子没有要求将你未来的继承财产也划入裁决的范围。”

“那么坏消息呢?”

“离婚以后，她将与你父亲结婚。”

Double Entendre at Play(英汉对照)

"Madam," said the irate conductor to a totally incompetent woman cellist during rehearsal, "you have between your legs an instrument that could give pleasure to thousands…and all you seem able to do is scratch it."

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face.Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said.

"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk."

But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake.

"It's all right. Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."

Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"

一个妻子的临终忏悔

临终的Becky躺在床上，他的丈夫Jake守在她的旁边，握着她冰凉的手，泪流满面。

她苍白的嘴唇翕动着，“Jake,”她说。

“安静，”他快速地打断她,“别说话。”

但是她坚持，“Jake,”她用疲惫的声音说，“我不能不说话。我必须忏悔。”

“没有什么可忏悔的。”痛苦的Jake说。

“没关系。一切都很好。”

不，不。我必须在平静中死去。我必须忏悔，Jack,那就是我一直对你不忠。”

Jack抚摸着她的手说。“现在，Becky,别担心。我已经知道一切了。”他呜咽着，“要不我干嘛毒死你。”

An Old Couple's Quarrel(英汉对照)

A couple of codgers got into a quarrel and came before the local magistrate. The loser, turning to his opponent in a combative frame of mind, cried: "I'll law you to the Circuit Court."

"I'm willing," said the other.

"I'll law you to the Supreme Court."

"I'll be there."

"And I'll law the hell!"

"My attorney will be there," was the calm reply.

老夫妻吵架

一对性情乖僻的老夫妻发生了争吵，一直闹到地方法官那里。败诉的一方以一种临战的姿态冲着对方嚷道：“我要到巡回法庭去告你。”

“愿意奉陪。”另一个说。

“我要到最高法院去告你。”

“我也陪你。”

“我还要到地狱去告你。”

“我的代理人会奉陪的。”对方平静的说。

Camera(英汉对照)

On our way to a wedding in Vermont, my husband and I realized we had forgotten our camera. We stopped at a general store and, hoping to purchase a cheap, disposable model. Sal asked the owner, "Do you have any of those throwaway cameras?"

"Look, fella," replied the owner, "I don't care what you do with it after you buy it."

照 相 机

在前往威蒙特参加一个婚礼的路上，我和丈夫意识到我们忘了带照相机。我们在一家百货商店门前停了下来，希望能够买到一种便宜的，一次性照相机。萨尔问店主：“你们有那种用了就扔的照相机吗?”

“我说，小伙子，”店主回答说，“我可不管你买了之后怎么处理它。”

Keep the Change(英汉对照)

Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer. He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents. Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each.

I pointed out that the book was in good condition. Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause. He said it was a matter of principle. Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents. Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill. "Keep the change," he said.

零钱不用找了

在教堂的义卖市上卖旧书时，我与一名准备买东西的顾客发生了一场争论。他对购买袖珍奥金.纳什集颇感兴趣，但是说它要三十五美分开价过高。其它的平装书每本才卖十或十五美分。

我指出这本书保存状况颇好，纳什是个有趣的诗人，这个要价是合理的。他说这是个原则问题。最终，我同意以十五美分的价格将这本书卖给他。他得意洋洋，拿出一张十美元的票子付帐。“零钱不用找了。”他说。