经典搞笑英语对话

1.He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny?

Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.

Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?

Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

他赢了

汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗?

约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。

汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿?

约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。

2.Prize

Little Albert came home from school with a new book under his arm. "It's a prize, mother," he explained.

"A prize? What for, dear?"

"For natural history. Teacher asked me how many legs an ostrich has, and I said three."

"But an ostrich has only two legs."

"I know it now. But all the pupils said four, so I was the closest."

奖品

小阿尔伯特腋下夹着一本新书从学校回家来了。“这是奖品，妈妈。”他解释道。

“奖品?因为什么得的。亲爱的?”

“因为自然课得的。老师问我鸵鸟有几条腿，我说有三条。”

“但是鸵鸟是两条腿啊。”

“我现在知道了。但其他学生都说有四条。所以还是我最接近正确答案。”

3.A portrait of God

A little boy was drawing a sketch with pencil and paper.

When his mother asked what he was doing, he answered immediately and with considerable pride: "I am drawing a portrait of God."

Being surprised and afraid, his mother said: "You cannot do that. No one has ever seen God. No one knows how God looks."

But the little boy replied complacently: "Well, when I get through, they will know."

上帝的画像

一个小男孩拿着铅笔和纸在画一幅素描。

他的妈妈问他在干什么时，他马上很自豪地回答说：“我在画一幅上帝的肖像。”

他的妈妈既惊讶又害怕，说：“你不能这样做的，没有人见过上帝，谁也不知道上帝是什么样子。”

可是小男孩得意的回答：“等我画完了，他们就会知道啦。”

4.The remaining sheep

The teacher said: "If the shepherd1 put twenty sheep out to feed on the grass in a field, five of them jumped a fence, how many sheep would be left?"

"None," called out little Mac. The teacher said: "I am surprised that you can't count correctly. I know that you are good at arithmetic, but you have made such a mistake now."

Little Mac said: "You know arithmetic, teacher, but you don't know sheep. I know that if one sheep jumped, the rest will follow it to do the same."

剩下的羊

老师说：“如果牧羊人把20只羊放到牧场上去吃草，有5只羊跳出了围栏，还会剩下多少只?”

小麦克大声回答说：“一只都没有。”老师说：“我很惊讶，你竟然不会算数。我知道你的算术很好的，现在竟会出错。”

小麦克说：“老师，你懂算术，但你不了解羊。英语小故事我知道，若是有一只羊跳了出去，其余的就会跟着她跳出去。”

5.Be Careful What You Wish For

A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.

During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.

慎重许愿

一对结婚25周年的夫妻在庆祝他们六十岁的生日。他们恰好在同一天出生。

庆祝活动中，一位仙女出现了。她说，由于他们是已经结婚25年的恩爱夫妻，因此她给许给这对夫妻每个人一个愿望。

妻子想周游世界。仙女招了招手。“呯!”的一声，她的手中出现了一张票。

接下来该丈夫许愿了。他犹豫片刻，害羞地说，“那我想要一位比我年轻30岁的女人。”

仙女拾起了魔术棒。“呯!”，他变成了90岁。

6.Don't Argue with Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that a whale swallowed Jonah.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

不要和小孩争论

一个小女孩和她的老师正在谈论有关鲸鱼的事情。

她的老师说：“一头鲸鱼从身体构造的角度看，是不可能吞掉一个人的。因为尽管鲸鱼是一种非常巨大的哺乳动物，可它的嗓子非常小。”

那个小女孩说约拿(一位西伯来先知)就是被鲸鱼吞掉的。

她的老师非常生气，她再次告诉小女孩说：“从身体构造角度来讲，鲸鱼是不可能吞掉一个人的。”

那个小女孩说：“那等我到了天堂，就去问问约拿。”

她的老师问：“那么，假如约拿下了地狱怎么办?”

那个小女孩回答：“如果是那样的话，你就去问他。”

7.Best Reward

A naval officer fell overboard. He was rescued by a deck hand. The officer asked how he could reward him.

"The best way, sir," said the deck hand, "is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I'd pulled you out, they'd chuck me in."

最好的奖赏

一名海军军官从甲板上掉入海中。他被一名甲板水手救起。这位军官问如何才能酬谢他。

“最好的办法，长官，”这名水手说，“是别声张这事。如果其他人知道我救了您，他们会把我扔下去的。”

8.A school report

The father was reading the school report which had just been handed to him by his hopeful son. His brow was wrathful(愤怒的) as he read,

"English, poor. French, weak. mathematics, fair." and he gave a glance of disgust at the quaking lad(少年，小伙子).

"Well, Dad." said the son, "It is not as good as it might be, but have you seen that?" And he pointed to the next line which read, "health, excellent."

学校成绩单

父亲在看他那满怀希望的儿子带回来的学校成绩单。他边看边露出愤怒的表情：

“英语，差;法语，差;数学，中。”他厌恶地瞥了在发抖的儿子一眼。

“爸爸，”儿子说，“可能成绩不够理想。但您看到那一项了吗?”他指了指下一行：“健康状况，优。”

9.No Bottles Accepted After Five O'clock

One day neat closing time at 6:30, four young children arrived with bottles. Wanting to put a stop to this habit, I sternly2 asked each child if he was aware of the rules. Three shook their heads no, but the youngest said he knew. "Why then." I asked, "have you brought me these bottles?"

"I can't tell time yet." He said.

为了缓解购物高峰，我们这个小水果店为孩子们退饮料瓶做了如下规定：

五点钟以后不收瓶子

快到六点半下班的时候，四个孩子来退瓶子。为了制止他们的这个习惯，我故意很严肃的问每个孩子是否知道我们的规定。其中三个孩子都摇头表示不知道。只有那个最小的说他知道。“那你为什么还在这个时间来退瓶子呢?”我问他。

“我还不认识表呢!”他说。

10.The Author's Son

The kind bishop1 intimately asked an author's son, "Do you want to become an author like your father?"

"No," replied the author's son.

"Then what is your ambition, my little man?" said the bishop.

"I want to become a famous person, then anything I write will be printed," frankly2 replied the hopeful little boy, wise beyond his age.

作家的儿子

和蔼友善的主教亲切地问一位作家的儿子：“你想成为一个像你父亲一样的作家吗?”

作家的儿子回答说：“不想。”

主教说：“那你有什么志向呀，小家伙!”

这个早慧的对未来充满希望的男孩坦率地回答说：“我要成为一个有名的人，那时无论我写什么，都会被刊载和出版。”

11.Clever Bobby

Brown was very proud of his young son. Once he was talking to a visitor, telling the man how clever his son was.

"The boy is only two years old," he said, "and knows all animals. He's going to be a great naturalist. Here, let me show you."

He took a book of natural history from the bookshelf, placed Bobby on his knee, opened the book and showed him a picture of a giraffe(长颈鹿).

"What's that, Bobby?"

"Horsey," said Bobby. Next of a tiger was shown, and Bobby said, "Pussy." Then Brown showed Bobby a picture of lion, and Bobby said, "Doggy." And when a picture of a chimpanzee was shown, Bobby said, "Daddy!"

聪明的博比

布朗非常欣赏他的小儿子。一次他和一位客人聊他的儿子有多聪明。 布朗说：“他只有两岁，就认识所有的动物了。他长大一定会是一个出色的自然学家。来，我让你看看。”

他从书架上拿下一本自然书，把博比抱到膝上，打开书。指着一张长颈鹿的画片。

“博比，这是什么?” “马马，”博比回答。 他又指了一张老虎的画片，博比回答说：“猫咪。” 然后布朗又指了一张狮子的画片，博比说：“狗狗。” 他又指了一张黑猩猩的画片，博比说：“爸爸!”

12.All Right

Hurrying my 11-year old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light when it was prohibited. "Uh-oh," I said, realizing my mistake. "I just make an illegal turn."

"I guess it's all right." my daughter replied, "The police car behind us did the same thing."

没关系

我赶着开车将11岁的女儿送到学校去，在红灯处右拐了，而那是不允许的(译注:在一些国家如英国,其交通规则是车辆左行的,与我国相反)。“啊噢，”意识到犯了错误，我说。“我刚才拐弯是违章的。”

“我想那没关系的，”女儿回答说：“我们后面的警车也同样拐了弯。”