如何让你的商务英语邮件看起来简洁有力

2016-11-12

1.先陈述结论。

现在人们没有时间去斟酌你的思考过程。他们需要你在前两句话中直接点明邮件的主旨。

Wrong: In this white paper, we will investigate the potential impact of remedial sales training in our buyer/seller relationships. First, let us discuss the initial conditions which precipitated our inquiry.

错误示例：在这本白皮书中，我们将调查补救销售培训对顾客和销售员关系的潜在影响。首先，在开始调查之前，让我们讨论一下初始条件。

Right: If we don't fund the ABC sales training program, our sales will plummet.

正确示例：如果我们不投资ABC销售培训项目，我们的销售额会大幅降低。

2.使用第一人称而不用无人称句子。

有力的商务写作能巩固关系。但是如何和陌生人或是满口术语行话的人建立关系呢?

Wrong: "The operational goals of this organization include an increase in morale as well as overall job satisfaction."

错误示例：这个组织的运作目标包括鼓舞士气和提高工作满意度。

Right: "I want to enjoy working here. I'll bet you do, too."

正确示例：我想要享受在这儿工作。我相信你也是。

3.举实例而不是谈抽象的概念。

虽然抽象概念有一定价值，但是如果没有实例加以解释就很难理解。

Wrong: "The ability for sales and marketing to cooperate on sales opportunities is crucial to sustainable revenue growth."

错误示例：通过销售和营销能力提高销售几率对可持续的销售增长至关重要。

Right: "The other day, we lost the Acme account because our sales message and our marketing message didn't jibe."

正确示例：因为销售信息和营销信息不匹配，我们失去了重要客户。

4.兼顾情感和理性

人们根据情感做决定，然后再为决定找智力方面的理由。

Wrong: "Our records indicate that 10% of our sales opportunities are lost without any sustained effort in the area of competitive analysis and comparison."

错误示例：我们的记录显示我们因为缺乏在竞争分析和比较方面的持续努力而丧失了10%的销售机会。

Right: "Everyone around here loves winning deals so much that we get skittish when it comes to finding out why we lost a deal."

正确示例：在场的每个人都想要赢得生意以至于当我们找到丢失这笔生意的原因时，我们都坐立不安。

5.使用生动的语言而不是陈词滥调。

使用那些无趣的专业术语或者老掉牙的比喻会掩盖你的写作。

Wrong: "This action item calls for out-of-the-box thinking."

错误示例：这项任务要求大胆开阔的想法。

Right: "If you've got an idea that you're afraid might be half-baked, let's consider it anyway."

正确示例：如果你有一个想法，那你担心会中途流产，没关系先考虑再说。

6.不要重复自己说的话。

重复会使文章显得冗长却没有实质内容。它会使你的文章大打折扣并且削弱你的观点。

Wrong: "This training program teaches you to learn the best tricks, tips, techniques and skills for every stage of the market process."

错误示例：这个培训项目能教会你营销过程中最好的手段、方法、技巧和技能。

Right: "This program teaches the best marketing tricks."

正确示例：这个项目能教会你最好的营销手段。

7.简洁而不要繁琐

一些商务人士认为自己的工资和写文章的字数挂钩，就像三十年代的低俗小说家。

Wrong: "In order to focus externally, we must focus both externally and internally (customer's customer and internal alignment necessary to respond), with internal collaboration with common focus/goals by stakeholders accountable for ultimate business results oriented, optimized and coordinated outputs, aligned around the sales cycle and with a proactive approach to higher order competency investments and being unwilling to throw deliverables over the fence to sales teams and trust results will be achieved."

错误示例：为了从外部关注，我们必需同时从内部和外部关注(顾客的顾客以及能做出必要反应的内部联盟)，同股东达成共识并建立内部合作，对最终经营成果的导向和最优化负责，对销售过程中的产量协调负责并积极促进订单能力投资，不将应交付产品只交给销售团队，那么就能达到信任的结果。

Right: "We need to measure how well this works."

正确示例：我们需要了解它的功效到底有多好。

8.注重独一无二的而不是普遍

如果你说的东西和其他人的完全一样，那还说什么?

Wrong: "Our B2B services increase sales and reduce costs."

错误示例：我们的B2B服务能增加销售并减少成本。

Right: "Our customers often double their profit margins. No other vendor can do this."

正确示例:我们客户的利润率经常翻倍。其他任何销售商都做不到这一点。

9.用名词和动词而不是形容词和副词。

形容词和副词会削弱你的文章，尤其是当你想要用它们来让一句枯燥的话变得生动些的时候。

Wrong: "We have an exciting, brand new product that will easily and quickly solve your most difficult sales process problems."

错误示例：我们推出了一款令人振奋的、全新的产品，它能够轻易解决我们面临的最难的销售问题。

Right: " This product will help you turn prospects into customers in less time."

正确示例：这款产品能够帮助你在较短时间内开拓新用户。

10.用讲故事的方式强调关键点。

人们能够在忘记事实之后很长时间内回想起相关的故事。

Wrong: "Studies indicate that some office workers spend as much as 40% of their time writing and answering internal emails."

错误示例：研究表明办公室白领有40%的时间花在写作和回复内部邮件上。

Right: "I sat down this morning and opened Outlook and you know what I discovered? 237 new messages! 237!! So I'm wondering how the heck can I get through all that junk and still get some real work done? "

正确示例：今早我刚坐下打开了Outlook,你知道我发现了什么吗?237条新消息!237条!我在想到底怎么样才能把这些全部处理完再做些正经的工作。

11.使用简单的词汇而不是华而不实的术语。

用冗长的单词或不需要技术含量术语不会让你显得聪明些;这只会让你看起来自以为是。

Wrong: "The facility-wide 802.11 networking infrastructure has now been completely implemented and is currently available for workplace utilization."

错误示例：这个多功能的802.11网络基础设施已经完全投入使用了，现在用于工作场合。

Right: "You can now use wireless in this building."

正确示例：你现在可以在大楼里使用无线网了。

12.展示证据而不是观点。

除非某人私下和你熟识并相信你的判断，否则你的观点不足以说服他人。相反的，观点只会让你听起来像是自吹自擂。

Wrong: "We have the best service, the most reliable product and the friendliest salespeople."

错误示例：我们有最好的服务，最值得信赖的产品和最友善的销售人员。

Right: "We won the XYZ best service award. Twice."

正确示例：我们赢得了XYZ最佳服务奖两次。