15则经典英语幽默故事

2017-03-18

英语幽默故事1.

A: Madam, do you have something in common with your husband?

B: Oh, we have only one point in common—we got married on the same day, in the same month and in the same year.

英语幽默故事2.

After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up. “ Get up, dear,” she said, “ It’s 20 to seven.”

He awoke with a start. “ In whose favor?”

英语幽默故事3.

The miserly millionaire called a family conference, “ I’m placing a box of money in the attic,” he said.” When I die, I intend to grab it on my way up to heaven. See to it that no one touches it until it’s my time too go.”

The family respected his wishes. After his death, the millionaire’s wife looked in the attic. The box was still there. “ THE FOOL!” she said. ”I told him he should have put it in the basement.”

英语幽默故事4.

On the way home from my university, I was going to drop off a friend at her home, when I realized I was lost. I asked her for directions. She said she was not sure of the route. Hoping to jog her memory, I asked, “ what route does your father take when drives you to school?” She didn’t know. I thought it might simplify things if I rephrased the question.” When you go home, which way does he go?”

“ Oh, that’s easy,” she replied. “ He goes back the same way he came.”

英语幽默故事5.

During my second year at university I was having trouble deciding on my major. In a agonizing discussion with my adviser, I decided to double major in astrophysics and theater. Getting up to leave, I said, “ Thanks for your help. But what am I going to do once I graduate?”

My adviser shrugged,“ You could be a star,” he said.

英语幽默故事6.

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest’s plate.

The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said, “ You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?”

“ In the rat trap, sir,” replied the boy.

英语幽默故事7.

One professor solemnly addressed the class the day after a big assignment had been due. “ Many of you know me,” he intoned. “And many of you have met my dog, Gus. Obviously, one of you has not.”

“ I apologize to whoever slipped a term paper under my office door,” he continued. “ My dog ate your homework.”

英语幽默故事8.

Just before graduation from university, my son and several friends were discussing the role their families had played in their career plans. My son, who had been accepted by a college of optometry, had been quiet during most of the talk.

“ How about you, Dale?” one of his buddies asked. “ Was you pushy?

“ No, he replied. “ I had complete freedom of choice. I could be any kind of doctor I wanted to be.”

英语幽默故事9.

During my first year at Naval Postgraduate School, I sat chatting one day with some classmates about the program’s difficulties. A professor overheard us and tried to allay our fears. “Don’t worry too much about grades,” he explained. “ When you think you know everything, they give you a Bachelor’s degree. Then when you realize that you don’t know anything, they give you a Master’s, and when you find out that you don’t know anything, but neither does anyone else” he continued,” they give you a doctorate.”

英语幽默故事10.

Recently engaged, I asked my aunt, who has been married to Uncle Bob for 34 years, what she thought was the key to the success of their long union. She said, “ Try not to argue, and we respect each other’s privacy.”

At this point Uncle Bob interrupted. “ She works days and I work nights,” he said.

英语幽默故事11.

About two weeks before our fifth anniversary of marriage, my husband asked what I would like for a gift. I told him I wanted something impractical and romantic.

On our anniversary night, he presented me with a lovely gold bracelet. “ A little four-letter word made me get this for you,” he said softly.

“Oh, how sweet,” I whispered. “L-O-V-E?’

“No,’ he replied. “S-A-l-E.”

英语幽默故事12.

A: Oh, how nice your bookshelf is! But it’s a pity that it is empty without any books in it.

B: I had no bookshelf in the past. In order to buy the bookshelf, I have sold all my books. Don’t you know?

英语幽默故事13.

M: Do you love your bride?

Bridegroom: Yes, of course. I love her very much.

M: Are you willing to accompany with your husband forever?

Bride (with head shaking repeatedly): Of course not. He is a postman, how can I accompany with him all the whole day?

英语幽默故事14.

“Joe is the man for me,” said a starry-eyed young lady to her mother, “ He’s nice. He’s handsome. He’s smart. He’s hardworking. He’s strong. He’s kind…..”

“He’s married” interrupted her mother.

“ So nobody is perfect.”

英语幽默故事15.

A tobacco-company executive traveled the country looking for long-time smoker in good health. He found one man who admitted to smoking for 70 years. “ If you do a commercial for us,” the executive explained. “ We’ll pay you $10,000.”

“It’s a deal,” said the smoker. “When do I start?”

“How about 10 A.M. Tomorrow?”

“Can’t do it then, son—I never quit coughing till noon.”