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关于短小的英语故事：Fishing for Girls

Wednesday night, Howard asked Glenn if he wanted to go fishing and girl-watching that weekend at Santa Fe Lake. “We’ll leave Friday morning and return late Sunday night,” he said. Glenn said he had to clean out his garage, so Howard went by himself.

Howard had also planned to lie around the hotel pool, soak up the sun, read a good book, and look at pretty women in their bathing suits. His own apartment didn't have a pool, so whenever he traveled, he always liked to stay at a place with a pool. But when he arrived at the hotel about noon, he saw that there were no pretty girls at the pool. There were no girls at all. There was nobody at the pool, because the pool was empty. It was being repaired all that week. The staff had “forgotten” to tell Howard this little detail.

Howard called Glenn late Friday night.

“How was the fishing?” Glenn asked.

“Didn’t see any, didn’t catch any,” replied Howard.

“Well, did you catch any women?”

“No. And don’t even ask how many beauties I saw at the pool. I didn’t go to any bars. But I did go to a Mongolian all-you-can-eat place and had a good dinner. I think one of the waitresses liked me. She asked me if I wanted extra ketchup.”

“Well, I hope you said yes. Any time a woman asks you if you want extra anything, that’s female code. It means they like you.”

“I said no. There was a whole bottle right in front of me.”

“Well, you blew it. I don’t know when you’re going to learn to pick up on those signals. Next time I’ll go with you and show you all the tricks.”

“If you knew all the tricks, you wouldn’t be divorced three times.”

关于短小的英语故事：How to Get out of Jury Duty

The mailman delivers good news and bad news. Topping the “bad news” list for many people who live in Los Angeles is a jury summons. This document tells you that you must respond by mail or phone for possible service on a jury. Many people feel that jury duty is a boring chore and would prefer not doing it.

In fact, court clerks say that the most common question they hear is: Why do I have to serve? The official response is: Jury duty is a responsibility that all qualified citizens must share.

If you are a citizen, if you can read and understand English, if you’re over 18 years old, and if you’re not a felon, you are eligible for jury duty. If you ignore the summons, you might be fined up to $1,500.

A jury trial might last one day or one month. If you work for the government, this is no problem, because the government will pay you your regular salary while you are on jury duty. However, if you are self-employed, you lose your regular income for that time period. Instead of your regular income, you get $15 a DAY for sitting on a jury. This is another reason people try to avoid jury duty.

Jack got the bad news yesterday. Even though he was retired and sat around all day watching reruns of old movies, he told his wife Polly he wasn’t going to be a juror. He hated jury duty and he was not going to let the courts interfere with his retirement.

“So how do you think you are going to get out of it?” Polly asked, both amused and irritated. “Are you going to claim that you’re dead? Or are you going to tell them you’ve moved out of the country?”

“No, both of those involve too much paperwork. I’ve got a better idea. It’s a medical excuse. It says here that if you have a physical disability, you can be dismissed.”

“What’s your disability? Your 'bad back' doesn't allow you to sit in a chair watching reruns all day?”

“No. Something better than that. I’ve got gas. It’ll offend the other jurors and everyone else in the courtroom. They’ll have to open all the windows or issue gas masks.”

“But there’s one problem. You don’t have gas.”

“But I know how to create it. I’ll eat a lot of peanuts and fruit the morning that I go to court. As soon as they get a whiff of my ‘problem,’ they’ll tell me to go home and stay home.”

“That’s a brilliant idea!” Polly said, as she rolled her eyes. At least it would get him out of the house for one day, she thought.

关于短小的英语故事：Open Wide,Say Your Prayers

Three months had passed. It was time for Tony to visit his dental hygienist again. The visit usually lasted two to three hours. The hygienist always went through a list of questions about his health. Then she took his pulse and blood pressure. Last, she ran her gloved finger all around the inside of his mouth, looking for and feeling for abnormalities.

On this visit, she found one. It was a white spot on the side of his tongue. “We often see this in smokers’ mouths,” she told him. She called the dentist over.

“How long has that been there?” he asked Tony.

“I have no idea,” said Tony.

“We’re going to have to do a biopsy,” the dentist said. “It won’t require more than two or three stitches. We have to make sure this spot is benign. We’ll do it right after your teeth are cleaned.”

Tony couldn’t eat anything except soup for a couple of days after the surgery, nor could he pronounce words clearly. If the white spot were malignant, how much more surgery would be required? How much of his tongue would be removed? He regretted all those years of smoking.

A week later, the dentist removed the stitches and told Tony that the white spot was benign. Tony was relieved.

A few days afterward, Tony was talking to a friend of his who was a long-time smoker. “You really ought to quit,” he suggested. “That was a good scare I just got from my dentist. Getting part of your tongue cut out is not a pleasant thought.”

“I'm not worried. You’ve got to die of something. I've got a greater chance of getting killed by a drunk driving a white SUV than by some white spot on my tongue. Besides, this is my only vice. I need to be able to enjoy something in life, don’t I?”