关于身边有抑郁症朋友的20条建议

2016-11-12

1. They are strong in character

In a recent Tedx talk, psychiatrist and philosopher, Dr. Neel Burton explains that depression canrepresent a deeper search for meaning and significance in life. A person experiencing depression canbe seen as working to make sense of life and trying to achieve more, fix more and improve more.Moreover, depression can be a way of preparing a better and even healthier future for ourselves andthose around us. Dr. Burton goes on to mention that some of the most influential and inspirationalpeople have dealt with depression such as, Abraham Lincoln and Winston Churchill. Their search forpeace, happiness and peace led their hearts and minds into the pit of depression, but they ended upchanging the course of history.

It takes immense will and transparency to acknowledge the presence of depression, but it alsopushes people to create answers in the darkest moments in life. In conclusion, depression can takepeople into the deep woods of our souls and help clear out any unneeded weeds, or shrubs that maybe hiding the beauty of life. It is not an act of fear, cowardliness, or ignorance.

2. They love it when you reach out to them unexpectedly

I believe that one of the biggest assumptions of someone dealing with a bout of depression is thatthey want to be left alone. Although that could seem true at times, it is a dose of healthy socialmedicine when a friend, a loved one, or a neighbor drops by to say hello. One growing theory aboutthe root of depression in our society is the lack of social relationships in our communities and even inour families. There is a constant dose of emptiness and disconnection in our everyday interactionsdue to overworking, television and technology. People managing depression need more company,more friends, more people reaching out to them, and more people wanting to spend time with them,not the opposite.

The next time you find yourself thinking about someone that is going through a depressive state,think of a nice, engaging and friendly act you can show them, instead of choosing to stay away fromthem. If we use the example of Jesus, He was always with people. To take it further, Jesus chose tospend time with trusted associates and not be alone too often. In fact, it was when He was alone thatSatan chose to tempt him the most.

Consider your loved ones and friends that are experiencing depression as a needing you and yourpresence more than ever. It is interesting to think about the times when I was growing up and mymother would always make it a point to lean on her sisters and brother during times of trouble orloneliness. Family and community is a natural remedy for depression. Let’s start to use it moreoften.

Mother Teresa put it very well, “The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of beingunloved.”

3. They do not want to burden anyone

Only a depressed individual understands how hard it is to hide their feelings and thoughts fromothers to avoid being shamed. One characteristic of a person dealing with depression is that they arekeenly aware of themselves, their thoughts, their feelings and the behavior of others towards them.The weight that depression can bring upon a person is enough to bury them for a day – the buryingof those around them is not on the to-do list.

Unfortunately, individuals fighting depression may push to be alone because they do not want toimpact anyone negatively. Although this may not always be the case, depressed loved ones desire tomanage their depression successfully and not allow it to touch anyone ever so slightly. This can be aparadoxical situation because being alone can actually exacerbate the symptoms of depression.

Depression can make someone feel as if they’re a burden to the world, especially to those aroundthem. They are not seeking attention, nor want any coddling or rose-colored glasses handed tothem. It is a valuable insight to recognize that managing their depression effectively is the mostimportant goal of a depressed individual, not causing anyone any burdens or pain. If they do happento hurt you or offend you, remember that they are not the enemy – their depression is the trueenemy. Tell your depressed loved one that you accept them fully, unconditionally, and remind themof any and all positive traits you love about them.

4. They are not “broken” or “defective”

The human body is a complex machine. It is the oldest organism on Earth and we still do not knowhow to fully prevent it from breaking down. Still more complex though is the human brain and it’smany structures and functions. Although the cause of some forms of depression are not fully knownor understood, many of us make the assumption that a depressed individual is defective, or flawed.The quality of the person is not correlated with the diagnosis of depression. Much like having a bigchin, being overweight, or having a lisp is a characteristic without a given or specific cause,depression can come about in a person’s life for many reasons. It is not indicative of a broken ordefective person.

The most helpful thing you can do is continue to value the depressed individual and continue to seethem as whole, strong, and valuable.

5. They are natural philosophers

Individuals living with depression have many questions and opinions about life, about happiness andabout their significance on Earth. It is not enough to simply make money, or launch a successfulcareer. It is not enough to simply live the “American” dream. It is not enough to simply live in thepresent and hope it all works out. Depression has a funny way of making your perspective broaderand more inclusive.

Depressed individuals would love to make the world a better and more just place. They would love tohave answers to all of life’s challenges and then would like to share that knowledge with as manypeople as possible. At times, this inquisitiveness can be an enemy, since it will create your questionsthan there are answers.

So, recognize that at their core, depressed individuals are intelligent, inquisitive, curious and creative.This is a positive, not a negative.

6. They are fighting hard against depression and appreciate lots of support

In the biggest fight of their lives, depressed individuals need cheerleaders, not bullies. It is in thedarkest moments that friends can become angels and angels become lifesavers – literally. You willhave a choice at some point in your life to be a lifesaver or a lifetaker. Be a lifesaver. Give the gift ofacceptance, help, encouragement and presence.

7. They like opportunities for fun and laughter

What’s the opposite of depression? Mania! It is a proven scientific phenomenon that laughter isgood for the soul and the mind. Depressed individuals function the same way. I always like toremember the Jerry Seinfeld episode where Jerry has a sick friend in the hospital and tries to do his“set” to cheer him up and make him laugh.

Well, he ends up killing his friend because he made him laugh too hard. Don’t worry – you won’thurt your depressed loved ones or friends with your humor and laughter. Dish it out and dish it outoften.

8. They are sensitive to other people’s feelings and actions

Depressed individuals care – and they care a lot. They care about how you feel, how you see them,how you see yourself and what others need. It may be that they care too much! Some of the mostcaring people I have ever met are people that suffer from some sort of depression. Let them knowwhat you need and what you do not need.

Set boundaries with them that are respectful, clear and considerate. Also, ask about what their needsand wants are and let them know what you are capable of giving, or not giving. There is nothingbetter than a sound relationship based on healthy communication and boundaries.

9. They should be treated respectfully

There is a negative stigma attached to dealing with depression. And, it’s not the depressedindividual doing the stigmatization. It is society. I cannot repeat this enough – reducing thestigmatization will help alleviate the societal effects of depression. Respect is a value much morethan it is an act. If it was an act, I would rather pay for it, than expect it and not receive it. Respectinvolves seeing beyond the depressed individual and seeing the whole person.

Depression has the ability to mask many other positive and truly remarkable qualities of a person. Donot let depression lie to you and lie to your loved one. Celebrate what you don’t see initially byseeking out the goodness of those suffering with this tough illness.

10. They should be treated like anyone else

No need for eggshells, or tiptoes. Go about your business and assume your depressed loved one is100% healthy. Sometimes just living a routine, but a predictable, purposeful routine, can bring such aboost and be a remedy for depression.

11. They have talents and interests

We all have talents and abilities. We all have stinky breath too. Your depressed loved ones love to dosomething too, no doubt. And, guess what? They can probably do it really, really well! If you don’tknow what it is, then, you’ve just found your next mission. Go find out. Help them find what theirtrue passion is. Seek out ways to grow that passion, to develop and hone that passion and ultimatelyerase that negative identity that comes with fighting against depression.

12. They are fully capable of giving and receiving love

Every human being on Earth is capable of giving and receiving love. And, you guessed it! Yourdepressed loved ones are no different. Give, and you shall receive. Treat others as you would like tobe treated. And, the list of rules and laws could go on and on. It does not matter that someone isfighting depression. The quality and ability of love does not change. It is still there! Reach out for it,but also give it yourself. You’ll find much more love than you thought was there.

In the small windows of reprieve from the symptoms of depression, there can be wonderful episodesof remarkable joy, laughter and communion. If you have to wait for those windows to appear, thenjust think about the fact that not every scene of your favorite movie is perfect. You just have to waitfor your favorite parts.

13. They love learning about how life works

In searching for ways to relieve their depression, individuals fighting depression are natural problem-solvers. Do not be surprised if they are voracious readers, or learners. Do not be surprised if they askquestions that cannot be quickly answered. Many of the world’s leaders and trailblazers were led bydeep analysis, deep thinking and deep, but strongly-rooted beliefs and values. What an insight!Depression is not a disability, but an ability that has the potential to depress! No one person cananswer all of life’s question, nor solve all inequalities. Sometimes, simply allowing the questions tobe asked is enough.

14. They do not plan on losing the fight against depression

The fight against depression may be lifelong, or it may last a moment. Regardless, the fight is onethat must be won. The question always is: when will this depression leave and how can I speed thisup a bit? The plan is to win against depression. The plan is not to lose and live in self-pity. Of utmostimportance is to remember that depression is treatable and there are many, many resources to helpsomeone do so. One of the first steps in fighting depression is to acknowledge its presence. Inacknowledging its presence, you can begin to treat it. Many times, a person in denial will spendcountless amounts of energy hiding their depression, or trying to deal with it via their own will.

15. They may feel sad for no apparent reason, so just be with them

Just like the fog invades the meadow, which eventually ruins your morning drive to work, depressioncan sneak up on its victims. Moods can be volatile and labile. It is not something that is easilycontrolled with a switch or a lever. Remember that fog? Can you just wish it away? Probably not.Your loved ones are trying very, very hard to be happy, pleasant and engaging, but what they need issimple.

They need you to just be there. Literally. Simply sit with them and read a book together, watch acomedy together, or take a trip to the local coffee shop and have a sip together. No psychologist isneeded here, only your presence and acceptance. Let the fog fade away as the morning sun rises andwelcomes in a new day.

16. They may not have as much energy as they would like to have

One of the symptoms of depression is fatigue or lack of energy. One of the most helpfulantidepressants that has been proven by research is exercise. I realize that maybe you have heard ofthis recommendation before, but let me be a little more specific. The type and duration of exercisecan vary, but the minimum that could have an effect is to do fast walking at least three times a weekfor 30 minutes each time. That is the amount of exercise someone needs in order to feel an anti-depressive effect.

Isn’t that convenient? So, if the sun is out and the breeze is whispering for you to come out andplay, invite your loved one out for a walk. They may not see an immediate effect, or they actuallymay! Either way, exercising in this way is increasing their chances of beating depression andincreasing their energy levels.

17. They may seem irritable at times – do not take it personally

Irritability is another symptom of depression. Although there is no excuse for treating peopledisrespectfully, it is important to let any friction with a depressed individual to slide off your back. Onthe other hand, it is acceptable and important to set expectations and even boundaries with adepressed individual. An expectation is a minimum standard that you expect of someone. Aboundary can also be thought of as an expectation that is set in order to keep a harmoniousrelationship.

If a depressed individual has hurt your feelings in some way, it is okay to tell them so; however, aswith any relationship, it is recommended that you remove any blaming from the exchange. Simply letyour depressed loved one know how you are feeling and what you would like from them instead.Also, if your depressed loved one is not willing to listen, try again later when emotions are cool. Letthem know you love them, but that you love yourself too. Not only are you modeling good self-love,but you are also modeling good communication skills and boundary-setting.

18. They do not want to hear “shoulds”

As in, “you should go out more with your friends.” If there is a kryptonite for depressed individuals,it is this one – the “shoulds”. Depressed individuals already have a deep and ingrained habit of“shoulding” themselves to the limit. In case you don’t know what a “should” is, it is a statementthat has a “should” inserted in the middle of it. For example, you “should” go out and exercisemore. You “should” just snap out of it. If I were you, I would do x, y and z. You “should” do it likeI would.

Not only does this set up a relationship of condescension, it assumes that the depressed individualdoes not have a mind and will of their own. The bottom line is that it feels like the person makingthose statements is being a parent. And, depressed loved ones do not need a parent telling themwhat they “should” do. Instead, a depressed loved one should be asked as many open-endedquestions as possible. This will help the depressed individual think through their options, consideralternatives, explore ideas, expand their abilities and so on and so on. “Shoulding” them is onlygoing to put up a wall and nothing will get accomplished in this way. Remember, an open-endedquestion is not a yes or no question.

A yes or no question: do you have a favorite color? Yes.

An open-ended question: what are your options right now? Hmm…

19. They need lots of family support and encouragement

This one is a must. It is not true that family makes depression worse, or that it doesn’t help. In fact,there are treatment models for depression that involve family or a marital partner. And while it isprobably that depression can make a relationship suffer, there is also a great power in utilizing arelationship as a tool for helping depressed individuals learn about themselves and to learn how toregulate interactions.

One of the best ways to make a difference in a depressed person’s life is to let them know you arethere for them. It is something that must not be simply assumed. It is something that has to becommunicated directly, face to face. Something that must be considered is the way in which youshow support and encouragement. Here is a small list of recommendations:

- Give a small, sincere compliment.

- Notice their strengths and positives.

- Include them in events or plans.

- Remove any kryptonite from your language (shoulds).

- Respect their feelings and thoughts, but use open-ended questions as much as possible.

20. They need positive reinforcement more than criticism or negative reinforcement

Sea World trains its killer whales via positive reinforcement. In parenting training, positivereinforcement has been shown to work better than negative reinforcement in getting the behavioryou want. In almost any relationship, highlighting the positive and celebrating that, is a healthy andeffective way to increase desired behavior. On the other hand, being the recipient of positivereinforcement is a wonderful feeling. All of us have been employees at one point or another in ourlives. Even in the workplace, receiving compliments for our work, and being cherished for our efforts,increases both our productivity and our dedication to the job.

Your depressed loved one will receive a boost in self-esteem whenever you decide to use positivereinforcement. Try it.