随笔: 七个忠告让你感情长长久久

摘录:当你想到“可持续”这个词时,会有什么浮现于你的脑海之中呢?——全球变暖,绿色生活,在节能减排中贡献你的应尽之力?那么感情之事呢?我们是否应该让段段旧关系“混成堆肥”,只同那些“有机单纯”的人们交往?并非如此,不是的。虽然这概念挺新奇的,但对于我们大多数人来说,这样的做法似乎并不大合情理,要知道在我们的文化里,大家还是倾向关系多多,“感情印迹”大大的。

生活随笔: 七个忠告让你感情长长久久

When you think about sustainability, what comes to mind—global warming, going green, doing your part to lessen your1)carbon footprint? How about relationships? We should 2)compost old relationships and only get involved with 3)organic people? Not exactly, no. Although the concept is 4)intriguing, this would be 5)implausible for most of u given our cultural 6)proclivity towards big “relationship footprints.”

If you have had a few relationships you know what I mean by “sustainability”—especially if they have been a source of pain or suffering to some degree. But what of the ones you wish to keep, nurture, and grow rather than watch die prematurely or unexpectedly? Instead of all that energy most of us spend putting ourselves “7)out there” on the emotional limb—oftentimes left with nothing more than a “seed”, or perhaps less some seed 8)as the case may be—let’s 9)wise up and turn those seeds into wisdom. Let’s get on with how to make our lives fertile so that we can more 10)optimally attract and create healthier, more fulfilling, and sustainable relationship ones that have the greatest potential for an amazing harvest, season after season to come.

当你想到“可持续”这个词时,会有什么浮现于你的脑海之中呢?——全球变暖,绿色生活,在节能减排中贡献你的应尽之力?那么感情之事呢?我们是否应该让段段旧关系“混成堆肥”,只同那些“有机单纯”的人们交往?并非如此,不是的。虽然这概念挺新奇的,但对于我们大多数人来说,这样的做法似乎并不大合情理,要知道在我们的文化里,大家还是倾向关系多多,“感情印迹”大大的。

如果你与人有过一些交往——特别是经历过那些在某种程度上让你饱受痛苦或折磨的关系,你就会知道我所谓的“可持续”是什么意思了。但反之,如果有些感情是你希望能够维持下去,继续培养并不断加深,而非看着它们早早夭折或意外中断的呢?假使我们大多数人用尽全身气力却使自己“毫无保留”地处于情感的困境——时常除了一颗“种子”什么都没留下,或者也许连种子都没有,这个得视情况而定——我们还是别傻了,把那些“种子”变成智慧吧。我们还是学习如何“滋润”自己的人生吧,这样我们才能够更有吸引力,并创造更加健康、更加圆满和可持续发展的感情关系——拥有最大潜力,能在将来的日子里开花结果的感情关系。

Relationships can be complicated given the myriad of unique 11)nuances that make up any one individual and the layers of experiences that create the 12)filters we each see reality through. The real13)enigma seems to be a matter of skill and planning—how to create an optimal climate for potential growth within this human complexity. Just like plant relationships grow and flourish under optimal circumstances and care. So, here are some 14)pointers for how to sustain any great relationship (15)platonic or otherwise), once you have carefully selected who you want to be in it with:

人际关系有可能会很复杂,想想,每个人都有着种种独一无二的微妙个性,重重经验阅历创造出各不相同的“滤镜”以观察现实世界。其中真正的奥秘似乎在于技巧和计划——如何营造最佳的氛围让感情在这人间迷阵里发展潜能?就如同植物一样,感情关系也要在最佳的环境以及呵护中才能成长绽放。以下是一些教你如何维持各种良好感情关系(纯友谊关系或其他关系)的忠告,前提是你已谨慎地选择好你想要交往的对象:

1. Respect: If you don’t, you have no chance at REAL, lasting intimacy (in my not-so-humble opinion). If you respect yourself, just double it. Don’t just talk about it either—this is an action item. Respect is not a feeling; it’s a way of behaving!

1. 尊重:如果你不尊重他人,你就没有机会获得真正而持久的亲密关系(恕我直言)。如果你尊重你自己,那么你就要双倍尊重他人。但不要只是口头上说说而已——这是要靠行动表达的。尊重不是一种感觉,而是一种行为方式!

2. Responsible communication: You get to choose from every word in the English language (or whatever language you share) in whatever tone you choose to communicate your thoughts and feelings to another, so choose carefully. You have no one to blame if you don’t tell the truth or say what you want. My teacher say “We are always doing one of two things; creating separation or connection.” What is your intention?

2. 可靠的沟通:与他人交流想法、表达感受,不论要用何种语调,从英语语言(或者你使用的任何语言)中选择哪个字词,其决定权都在你手上,所以一定要谨慎选择。如果你没有说实话或者说明你想要什么,那你就不能责备任何人。我的一位老师说过:“我们总是在做着以下两件事之中的一件:形成隔阂或建立联系。”你打算怎么做呢?

3. Integrity: Do what you say you’re going to do, when you say you’re going to do it, as often as humanly possible. And don’t 16)BS yourself. Nobody trusts a 17)flake, nor does anyone want their vulnerable hearts to be in the care of one. If you love and respect someone, ACT like it!

3. 诚实:当你说你打算要做什么的时候,你就要尽自己的一切可能,做到言出必行。不要对自己胡说八道。没有人会信任一个反复无常的人,也不会有人希望把他们脆弱的心灵托付给言而无信的人。如果你爱某人,尊敬他/她,就要以行动表示!

4. Compatibility: If you are mad about the outdoor can’t live without reality TV, are a 18)screaming liberal, or 19)abhor people who over-20)accessorize or don’t keep up on current event then you probably wouldn’t want to 21)hang out with…me, for example. Just because someone has good 22)energy doesn’t mean you can do well together in real life. Watch what people DO, not only what they say. Make sure they match or you’ll be sadly disappointed, eventually bored, and even resentful. There are 7 billion people on the planet—check some more of them out and quit trying to make a person someone they are not!

4. 相容性:如果你疯狂热衷户外活动,离开了电视真人秀节目就活不下去,是一个彻头彻尾的自由主义者,厌恶别人打扮得过于花枝招展,讨厌别人对当前时事一无所知,那么你可能不会愿意同某些人在一起,比如说……我。就因为某人能力出众,并不意味着你们在现实生活中能和睦相处。要观察人们做些什么,而不仅仅是他们说些什么。确认他们和你是一路人,不然你就会相当失望,最后感到无趣甚至憎恶。在这个星球上生活着70亿人——多观察一些人,而且不要试图彻底改造别人!

5. Compassion: 23)Walked a mile in their shoe have you? I recommend, before you think you know whatever you think you know about the person you say you love, one of the most loving acts of all: understand as much as you want to be understood. Old 24)adage for a reason. “’Cause it’s a 25)damn good one!”

5. 将心比心:要设身处地为他人着想,你能做到吗?我建议,在你对你说你爱的人自以为有多了解之前,最浓烈的表达爱意的行动之一就是:如同你有多么渴望被人了解一样,你应该多多去了解别人。这老话说得好。“因为它真是太好了!”

6. Expectations: The fastest way to get back to love in any relationship is to want nothing.26)Period. Try it. No one is responsible for your happiness or anything else, unless expressly agreed to.

6. 期望:在一切感情关系中,想要重回爱河最快的方式莫过于一无所求。仅此而已,别无其他。试试吧!没有人需要对你的快乐或其他什么负责,除非他/她清楚地表达过此类想法。

7. Consciousness agreements: One of my all-time favorites. Let people know what’s important to you 27)up front. As soon as possible, in fact. In any relationship the time to negotiate is up front, not after you are in deep! Two of my “needs” (if you can call them that) in a friendship are that a) we don’t make 28)unilateral decisions about ending the friendship, and b) if we have a problem we bring it to the other person as soon as possible. What are your non-negotiables?

7. 观念协议:这一直是我的最爱之一。让人们预先知道对你来说什么才是重要的。实际上,越快越好。在任何一段交往关系中,得把原则性问题说在前,而不是等问题出现之后再来讨价还价!我在一段友情之中的两大“需求”(如果你能这么称呼的话)就是:1) 我们在终结友情这一问题上绝不单方面做出决定;2) 如果出现了问题,我们要尽快向另一方提出商议。你们的原则性问题又是什么呢?

These tools and skills have helped me immeasurably over the years and I rely on them all, as they are responsible for helping me maintain the loving, healthy relationships I have today! Remember, relationships take work; they are not just “add water” and people are not disposable. They are precious blessing and in their presence I feel blessed to keep on my path to becoming the best version of myself, as well as have the 29)privilege to witness those I love do the same!

多年以来,这些手段和技巧带给我无法估量的帮助。全靠这些方法,让我维系好我现在所拥有的忠实而健康的感情关系!记住,感情需要经营,不仅仅是“浇点水”那么简单,别人也不是“用完即弃的”。感情是珍贵的福祉,身在其中,我觉得自己很幸运,能继续不断追求完美的自我,同时还有幸看到那些我所爱的人们也纷纷效法!