双语阅读：日记不是治愈分手创伤的灵丹妙药

摘要：如果你得到了一张有关写作的处方，它可能是这么写的：花一点时间写日记，然后出去走走。

WRITING about your feelings, a practice longembraced by teenagers and folk singers, is nowattracting attention as a path to good health. And arecent study suggests that reflecting on youremotions could help you get over a breakup. But,one of its authors says, journaling can have itsdownsides.

写下自己的感想，这种长期被青少年和民谣歌手所采纳的做法，目前正作为一种保持健康的途径，吸引着人们的注意力。最近的一项研究表明，反思自己的情绪能帮你渡过分手时期。但是，论文的一名作者称，记日记可能会产生消极影响。

Is structured self-reflection, as some suggest, a healthy tuneup for the heart and head — orcan it make hurt feelings worse?

有人建议进行有条理的自我反思，但这样做会让身心得到健康的调整——还是会让受伤害的感觉更加强烈?

日记不是治愈分手创伤的灵丹妙药

For a study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, Grace M.Larson, a graduate student at Northwestern University, and David A. Sbarra, a psychologyprofessor at the University of Arizona, looked at self-reflection through a speaking exercise.They recruited 210 young people (they ranged in age from 17 to 29) who had recently brokenup with their partners, and then split this brokenhearted sample into two groups.

美国西北大学(Northwestern University)的研究生格雷斯·M·拉尔森(Grace M. Larson)和亚利桑那大学(University of Arizona)的心理学教授戴维·A·斯巴拉(David A. Sbarra)在《社会心理与人格科学》(SocialPsychological and Personality Science)期刊上发表了一篇论文，为此，他们通过自述对自我反思进行了研究。他们招募了210名最近与伴侣分手的年轻人(年龄从17岁到29岁不等)，然后把这些极度伤心的研究对象分成两组。

One filled out a questionnaire on how they were feeling, then completed a four-minuteassignment in which they were asked to talk into a recording device, free-associating inresponse to questions like, “When did you first realize you and your partner were headedtoward breaking up?” This group repeated the same exercise three, six and nine weeks later.

其中一组需要填写关于个人感受的调查问卷，然后再对着一台录音设备讲话4分钟，对于“你从什么时候开始意识到自己和伴侣即将分手”等问题，他们可以自由联想。这组人在3周、6周和9周之后，重复了同样的任务。

The second group filled out the questionnaire at the beginning and the end of the nine-weekstudy period (they did the speaking exercise only once, after filling out their finalquestionnaires).

第二组则在最初和为期9周的研究即将结束时填写了调查问卷(他们只在填完最后的调查问卷后，做过一次自述)。

Ms. Larson and Dr. Sbarra found that the breakup sufferers in the first group experiencedgreater improvements in “self-concept clarity” than those in the second. Dr. Sbarra definesself-concept clarity as “the degree to which you understand yourself as a person.” He andMs. Larson measured it by asking subjects how much they agreed with statements like “I donot feel like myself anymore” or “I have regained my identity.” Much of our understanding ofourselves can be bound up in our relationships with our partners, Dr. Sbarra explained — and ifwe break up, it can be hard to answer questions like “Who am I?” or “Who are my friends?” or“How should I spend my time?” The speaking exercise helped people, he explained, because “itimproved their sense of self independent of their former partner.”

拉尔森和斯巴拉发现，与第二组因为分手而备受折磨的人相比，第一组人在“自我概念清晰性”方面有更大的改善。根据斯巴拉的定义，自我概念清晰性指的是“人对自身存在的理解程度”。他和拉尔森通过询问研究对象对一些观点的认可程度，对这一点进行了评测。这些观点包括“我觉得自己已经不像自己了”和“我已经找回了自我”等等。斯巴拉解释道，我们对自身的理解在很大程度上可能都与我们和伴侣的关系紧密相关，所以一旦分手，像“我是谁”、“我的朋友都有哪些”或者“我应该如何打发时间”这样的问题，就往往会变得难以回答。他解释说，自述能帮助人们，因为“它可以帮人们提高脱离于前情侣的自立感”。

That improved sense of self, in turn, led to reductions in loneliness and “emotional intrusion.”As for why the exercise worked, Dr. Sbarra has a few theories. “There is a degree ofhabituation that takes place as you are repeatedly thinking and talking about the process” of abreakup, he said. “You defang it a little bit.” And, he added, hearing yourself say something mayprove revelatory. He imagines a subject’s internal monologue: “I didn’t know I seemed to begetting better until I said I seemed to be getting better. I must be getting better.”

这种经过提高的自我意识，反过来又能减少孤独感和“情绪入侵”。至于自述为什么会起作用，斯巴拉有几个推测。“随着你反复思考和谈论分手过程，就会产生一定程度的习惯化，”他说。“这样会削弱它的影响力。”他还说，听自己讲述一些内容，可能会具有启发性。他想象研究对象的内心独白：“直到我说出自己似乎好些了，才知道我似乎真的已经好些了。我一定要好起来。”

For people going through breakups without the benefit of psychology researchers to recordtheir thoughts, Dr. Sbarra says the study offers some insights. Getting back your sense of selfafter a breakup, he argued, is crucial: “You really need to figure out a way to pull yourself backtogether and to try to get some reorganization in terms of who you are, what you do, how youspend your time.” You may not need a recording device to do that — Dr. Sbarra believes thatyou might also be able to rebuild your self-concept by writing, “in a stream-of-consciousnessway, how you’re feeling about things.”

斯巴拉说，对于那些在分手后没有心理学研究人员帮他们记录想法的人，这项研究提供了一些启发。他认为，在分手后找回自我意识至关重要：“你真的需要找到一种找回自我的方式，试着对你是谁，你要做什么，你应该如何打发时间等问题进行重组。”做到这一点，你或许并不需要录音设备——斯巴拉认为你或许也能通过写作来重塑自我概念，“以一种意识流的方式来书写你对事物的感觉”。

OTHER researchers see benefits from self-reflective writing beyond soothing post-breakuppain — and the practice is drawing media attention, too. At the news website Mic, Rachel Gratecites research by a team from New Zealand showing that writing exercises may aid woundhealing. She also quotes the psychologist James W. Pennebaker of the University of Texas atAustin: “When people are given the opportunity to write about emotional upheavals, theyoften experience improved health.”

还有一些研究人员发现，进行反思式写作除了可以缓解分手后的痛苦，还有其他好处，这种做法也获得了媒体关注。在新闻网站Mic上，拉赫尔·格拉特(Rachel Grate)提到了一个新西兰团队的研究项目，该研究说明写作联系可能有助于创伤修复。她还引用德克萨斯大学奥斯汀分校(University of Texas at Austin)心理学家詹姆斯·W·佩内贝克(James W. Pennebaker)的话称，“当人们有机会记录自己的情绪波动时，他们的健康状况通常会有所改善。”

According to James Hamblin at The Atlantic, a 2012 study found that writing improved qualityof life for breast cancer patients. Laura I. Miller at the website Bustle offers 12 reasons weshould all resolve to write more in 2015. And “if writing about the difficult parts of your lifewere a drug,” writes Drake Baer at Business Insider, “it would be making bank for some facelesspharmaceutical company.”

詹姆斯·汉布林(James Hamblin)在《大西洋月刊》(The Atlantic)杂志发表文章称，2012年的一项研究发现，写作的做法提高了乳腺癌患者的生活质量。劳拉·I·米勒(Laura I. Miller)在Bustle网站撰文，列出了我们在2015年应该决心记录更多的12个理由。“如果记录生活中的艰难时刻的做法是一种药物，”德雷克·贝尔(Drake Baer)在商业内幕(Business Insider)网站上写道，“一些不知名的制药公司就可以一夜暴富了。”

But if it were a drug, it might be one with a maximum recommended dosage — and warnings forcertain patients. In another study, Dr. Sbarra found that divorced people assigned to doexpressive writing exercises — essentially, exercises wherein they reflected on their feelings —showed no greater improvement in measures of emotional well-being than those asked towrite, without emotion, about what they did during the day. And subjects who tended toruminate on their situation actually did better if they were assigned to the emotion-free writing.

但如果这是一种药物，它可能会设有最大推荐剂量——以及针对某些病人的警告。在另一项研究中，斯巴拉发现，与那些没有情绪的、被要求记录一天当中的所作所为的人相比，被指派做表达性写作练习的——基本上是记录对自己的感觉的反思——离婚人士并没有获得更大程度的改善。当那些倾向于反思自身情况的人被指派进行无情绪写作时，他们实际上做得更好。

The prompts in the expressive writing study were more involved than those in the speaking-exercise one — instead of responding to simple questions, participants were asked to “reallydelve into your deepest emotions and thoughts” or to “work toward creating a coherent storyand narrative, with yourself as the storyteller.”

表达性写作研究中的提示比自述研究的提示更为深入。它要求参与者“真正探索自己最深层的感受与想法”或“自己作为叙述者，努力创作一个连贯的故事”，而不仅限于回答简单的问题。

“I think the expressive writing intervention at times can be too heavy-handed,” said Dr.Sbarra. “It can be too directive without allowing people’s natural coping tendencies to do whatthey’ve done over the course of evolutionary history.” And for some people, reflecting toomuch on their feelings can make things worse. “That’s the real danger of our journalingculture,” he added — diary writing isn’t “one size fits all.”

“我觉得表达性写作这种干预手段有时会力度过大，”斯巴拉说。“如果不允许人采用自然的应对机制，从事他们在演化过程中发展出来的惯用做法，那么这种手段就会指令性过强。”对于一些人来说，过度反思自己的感受会让情况变得更糟。“这是日记文化真正的危险所在，”他还表示——写日记的做法“并不适用于所有人”。

For many, the key may turn out to be some self-reflection, but not too much: writing aboutyour feelings, “but then not necessarily mulling over it or doing any more. Just write it, talkabout it, leave it, do it again.”

对于很多人而言，秘诀可能是一定程度上的自我反思，可是不要过多：记录自己的感受，“但不一定要思前想后或做更多的事情。就把它记录下来，聊一聊，然后遗忘，再来一遍”。

“There’s a really delicate balance between avoiding and getting overinvolved for every stressfulevent,” Dr. Sbarra explained, “and so you touch on it, you think about it, you put it out there,you reflect, and then you sort of create some distance.”

“实际上，对于每一个承受压力的情境，在避免过分投入和过分投入之间存在微妙的平衡，”斯巴拉解释称，“你提到这种情绪，你去思考它，把事实摆在那儿，反思，然后就在某种程度上拉开了一些距离。”

So if you ever get a prescription for writing, it might read: Spend a little time with your diary— and then go for a walk.

因此，如果你得到了一张有关写作的处方，它可能是这么写的：花一点时间写日记，然后出去走走。

如何抚慰一颗分手后受伤的心?

Break-ups are never easy. Whether you were “just dating” or married, with or without kids, it hurts when a relationship ends. To spend time grieving is perfectly natural and healthy but there comes a time when your heart yearns to be healed.

分手从来就不是一件容易的事。不论你只是约约会或是已经结了婚，也不论有没有孩子，当一段关系结束的时候，它总是伤人的。为了结束的感情难过这很正常，但这时也是你的心灵需要治愈的时候。

The following 5 steps can help you begin down that path of healing.

以下5个步骤帮助你开始这条愈合之路。

1. It’s Not About You—Really, It’s Not

不是你的问题，真的不是你的错

You know that old saying “it’s not you, it’s me”? While we usually think of it as a cop-out, a way for someone to spare our feelings, the reality is that it is actually true. People act in a certain way, make certain decisions, and choose to life their life a certain way because of their own desires and needs; not because of us.

你知道那句古话“不是你的错，是我的错”吗?通常我们认为这种说法是一种逃避，也是一种舒缓我们感受的方式，而事实上这说法确实是对的。人们以特定的方式表现，做出特定的决定，选择他们想要的方式生活，因为他们有自己的欲望和需要，而不是因为我们!

When someone is a jerk, or says something nasty, or leaves you, it is because of something going on inside of them. Please know that I am not excluding the influence of your own behavior that may haveprecipitated the break-up, but it comes down to the fact that your ex left because of their reactions and feelings surrounding that event and it may have been the right choice for them.

当某人变成了个混蛋，说了难听的话，或是离开了你，那是因为他们内心起了变化。请明白我不是要排除你自己行为带来的影响，这些行为可能也触发了分手的发生，但事实可以归结为你的前任离开你是因为他们对待事情的反应和感受有了变化，而这样做对他们来说也许是一个正确的选择。

Once a relationship ends, you can’t go back and change things no matter how much you want to, so it’s best to stop beating yourself up about the past. Forgive yourself for your part in the break up, learn lessons from it, and try not to take it personally. Realize that you are perfect just the way you are and there is someone out there who will agree.

当一段关系结束，无论你有多想，你都回不去了，也改变不了任何事，所以关于过去，最好就是停止自责。宽容自己，从中吸取教训，尽量不要独自忍受痛苦。要知道以自己的方式做，你就是完美的，总有一个人会欣赏你这样的方式。

2. This Too Shall Pass

这一切都会过去

I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but the pain will go away.

我知道现在你不这么想，但疼痛总会消失。

Allow yourself to really feel your feelings—wallow in them if you want—and know that they are temporary. Sometimes it’s good to think back to another time in your life where you felt broken, and then realize that it did, indeed, get better. This will too. If you have faith that these feelings will pass, that you will feel better someday, that day will arrive much sooner.

让自己真正地体会感受，如果你想，你可以沉浸其中。但要清楚它们只是暂时的。有时回想过去你心痛的那一刻，然后意识到它确实会变好，这样的回想也是有好处的。如果你相信这些感觉也会过去，终有一天你也会变好，那么这一天就会来得早很多。

3. Forgive & Pray

原谅和祈祷

You may be feeling some very negative emotions towards your ex, such as anger, resentment, and frustration, but harboring these feelings is only hurting one person—you. In order to save yourself, you need to forgive your ex. Now, I don’t mean you have to call them up and tell them they are forgiven (although you can if you want to), you just need to forgive them in your heart.

对你的前任，也许你的内心充满了很多消极情绪，比如生气、怨恨和失望，但是怀着这些情绪只会伤害到一个人，就是你。为了拯救自己，你需要原谅你的前任。在这里，我不是说你要打电话给他们说你原谅他们了(当然如果你想的话，你可以这么做)，你只需要在心里原谅他们就可以了。

I have found that praying for that person helps with being able to forgive them and move on. Pray for their happiness and continued health and mean it when you say it. You should feel your anger and resentment getting less and less if you continue this practice. Doing this has the added benefit of showing yourself what a good person you really are. Hey, you even pray for those that hurt you, so you must be a loving, generous person who deserves love.

我发现为那个人祈祷能帮助我们原谅他们并使自己继续前进。为他们的幸福和健康祈祷，当你说这些的时候，要认真地说。如果你保持练习，你应该感觉到愤怒和怨恨在变得越来越少。这样做还有其它好处，就是向别人展示你真的是一个很好的人。不是吧，你竟然祝福那些伤害你的人?你一定是个有爱心又慷慨的人，值得很多人爱慕。

4. Live Life One Day at a Time

珍惜每一天

Concentrate on today, and focus on the present moment. It’s said that worry is like a rocking chair: it keeps you busy, but doesn’t get you anywhere. It’s time to stop worrying about the future and notice where you are today. Don’t worry about your sister’s wedding in 6 months and the fact that now you don’t have a date. Don’t worry about what will happen if you see him around town with another girl—just live for today, the rest will take care of itself. Be present for all the gifts the universe is trying to give you today.

专注今天，专注当前。烦恼就像一把摇椅：它让你忙碌，但又让你原地踏步。是时候了，停止担忧未来，留意一下今天你在哪里。不要担心6个月后你姐姐就要结婚了，而现在的你连一个约会对象都没有。不要担心如果你在镇上看到他和另一个女孩在一起会发生什么。只为今天而活，其余的自会如常。今天这个世界给你的全部礼物就是当下。

5. It’s All About Progress

这些全是进步

Life is hard: if it wasn’t, we would all be perfect people living in a perfect world. Give yourself kudos for any and all progress you make, since anytime you are able to move in a forward direction, that is worth celebrating. Keep track of all the progress you have made by keeping a journal of all your successes. Then, when you feel that you are going backwards, read through it and you will realize just how far you have come.

生活是艰难的，如果不是，那我们就是生活在一个完美世界里的完美的人。要表扬自己取得的任何进步，因为不论什么时候你都走在前进的道路上，这是值得庆祝的。要在日志本里记录你所有的成功，以此来记录你所取得的进步。然后当你觉得退步了，再读一遍，你就会意识到自己走了有多远。

Final Thought

最后的想法

Healing your heart is really about healing your whole self, so be sure to take this opportunity to delvedeeper into who you are and what you want. Start by appreciating the lessons you learned from the past, being present in the here and now, and using your power to create the future you want.

治愈你的心，其实就是在治愈你整个人，因而一定要抓住这次机会深刻了解你是怎样的人，以及你想要什么。治愈之路始于感谢那些你从过去的经历中学到的教训;始于专注当下;始于发挥你的力量去创造你想要的未来。